Category: Getting to Know You
Hey all,
I have a quick question that you can already see by the title of this post, but why is it so hard for a blind person to make friends with sighted people? I seem to make friends with people who have disabilities ok, but for sighted regular people, nothing. It's like someone will talk to me for one day, and that's all I hear from them. Yesterday for example, I went to go play downstairs with my guide dog because it's not as noisey down there and I figured we wouldn't get in trouble or yelled at by anyone. So I asked the guy that lived next to the laundryroom if we could play and he said yes, then shut the door in my face. Then after I was done playing, I went to his apartment and knocked twice and he answered. I asked him what the apartments are like down here? I've never seen one before, not that I wanted to go in his apartment. I just wondered temperature wise and all. i asked him how long he has been living here. I thought asking a few questions would have him asking me a few, like about the dog or me or something, but it didn't. Vernon then went into his apartment and I told him that maybe he should shut the door before he comes in again, so he did. I thought I made friends with the guy who lived next door to me. I was taking vernon outside to the bathroom and he said hello, and we got to talking. We're the same age and everything, and we seem to like some of the same things, but he works and it's so hard for me to know when he's available to talk or anything. So I told him if he ever wants to talk or anything, to just knock on my door or something. But he hasn't. I've knocked on his door a few times to see if he wanted to talk or do anything, but he was probably either sleeping or not home. So I'm not mad at him or anything for having a life, that's ok. No problem. And I've signed up for friendship websites and have gotten nothing. I told people about myself and everything and no one has written me an e-mail or anything. I'm not trying to make this look like a pitty story, but it would be nice to have other friends than just internet ones. Those are nice, but friends that you can go out with and call every once in a while is good to. I grew up with lots of blind friends from the camp I use to go to, and some friends at school but not many, so I'm not really use to this I guess. So does anyone have any suggestions for me? I guess I'm just really shy, but I try not to be. I'm nice to people when they say hello to me on the street and everything, but every now and then I wish I had a friend to go to or call if I wanna talk or if they do. Or to just go to someone's house and watch a movie or go out to eat, you know those kinds of things. Ok, i'm sorry for rambling, this has just been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure of what to do really. so if anyone has any suggestions, let me know please.
Thanks.
Sorry, I don't really have any suggestions. But, maybe I can help you understand what's going on, because I have the same problem, and suspect that many others do too.
When you enter into a friendship with another person, you climb a little bit into their skin, and allow them to peak inside your head too. For a blind (probably any disabled) person the difference between your life and a "normal" person's life is much greater than between you and another blind person, or a "normal" and other "normals". Some people can make that leap, most can't.
One good thing, though, those who can make the leap probably make better friends.
This is just my take on the situation. Maybe others see it differently.
Bob
Hi, perhaps it’s not so much that you are blind, and because of this, it is difficult for you to make friends with sighted people. It’s very possible that you are just a new person in a new town or city, and like most people who relocate, your connections are limited. You don’t know many people, you don’t know many places to meet people, and perhaps you are coming off a bit too friendly; not because you are considered socially inept, by those who are sighted, but because loneliness taking its toll on you.
I understand that there might be those people who are sighted which might feel a bit reluctant to make friends with anyone who they consider to be different, but remember, people like this are not the people who you want to make friends with. These are the people who will not be your friend because they think you’re too tall, or too short, or too skinny or fat, they think you won’t have anything in common with them because you are white, or because you are black, because you have a cat, and not a dog, or because you’re not going to the right church.
So, how does someone get over this loneliness? Instead of spending time thinking about getting over the loneliness, about meeting new people, instead of starting conversations with unresponsive individuals, pick an activity, and then go and do it. MeetUp.com is a good place to do this, for example; also, starting an exercise routine at the local Y, or fitness club might do it as well. Go to an open mike night not with the expectation of meeting someone, but just to have a drink and a good time. Involve yourself in things which draw like-minded individuals. Forget that you want to meet people, and just put yourself out there. I know it’s easier said then done, but it’s the only way to really get to know your city or town, and the people in it. You might meet 20 people, you might only make 3 friends, but as a person, you will definitely expand your experiences, and enjoy yourself while doing so.
I think Bob made some good points. I could be missing something in the way you are relating your interactions with others, but it sounds like you may be pushing a little too hard. When you were asking the guy about his appartment it might have made him feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not asking for a word for word repeat of your conversations, but maybe you need to spend a little more time with small talk, which I don't enjoy much myself. Its much less threatening to people, and it gives you and them time to observe each other more closely to see if they want more in-depth interaction with you, and you with them. I don't know how helpful this is, but good luck.
Lou
Well, that's what happens when two people post at about the same time. I really like post 3's suggestions about activities. Sometimes, public libraries maintain a listing of community resources that might emphasize different activities. Finding an activity is a great bridge, because it gives you and others a common bond.
Lou
I totally agree about doing different activities in your community to try and meet new friends. I mean, I never go alone to the activities that my city holds because I usually have friends with me, but I always meet somebody new at these different social events and they're really great for meeting people. And usually, you find somebody who's really open minded about your disability and doesn't let that bother them but instead, they actually see you as a person. So yeah, totally get yourself out there and do these stuff and just have fun. I also think you're kind of trying too hard about making friends. So just let yourself go and I think that could really help your frame of mind about making friends too, if you're more relaxed and natural and stuff, lol
Well, I have a few answers to what you have been saying. I have tried to get the community calendar that is posted but I can't get it in braille because they won't braille it for only one blind person. I know that there's other blind people in this city, because I know a few of them, but we don't talk very much. Anyway, I live in a college town, and I don't like going to the bars to drink, at least not a lot. I like to go and eat, and maybe have a drink or two, but who wants to go and eat by themselves? I just don't know what other than church I can do to meet people. I do like the church I go to, but it's so hard to know who to talk to or what to say sometimes I guess. I could go up to the college and see if anyone would like to talk or make small talk and see where it goes. That's all I was doing with the person at his apartment downstairs. I wasn't trying to be personal, just to try and make conversation. I guess that's why I find it easier to talk to people online, because you can talk about little things and find out what you have in common, and no one has to look at you and see you have any kind of disability. I asked one friend that I do have what I can do to meet people around here, and she wasn't sure either. She said that she doesn't know of anything that people in the 20's and 30's to besides go drink. I'm sure that's not true though. But I guess I could go and eat or see if any bars do karaoke and listen to people sing, and see if I can get a chance to talk with anyone. I don't care weather I make only 3 friends instead of 20, because 3 is better than none. But I do apreciate all the good advice and helpfulness from all that have posted so far.
That's one thing I personally had to learn the hard way. Don't try so hard and don't push. Took me quite a while to understand that one, just because it seems I had to learn a lot completely on my own regarding social matters. I also at some point discovered that I was not the outgoing person I thought I was or that I thought I wanted to be, but I was more the introvert, and I supposed I told myself if I was ever going to be content in my own skin, it was best I just go with hthe flow instead of wish I was somebody I was not. I'm horrible at putting on a false face and playing the game. That being said, though, sometimes people's unwillingness to be friends with you is not all your fault. I'm told some areas of the country just tend to be less friendly than others. Then it seems people are just very busy or self-involved and not interested in meeting new people. I've got many more friends on-line than in real life, and I can live with that.
Well, I did find 2 groups on meetup.com that I'm interested in, so I guess I'll see what happens with that. One is a social group, and the other one is for dog lovers. So I think that's a good start for now.
Hi, I don't have to much of a problem making friends. I like to smile a lot and ppl have told me that they are drawn to me because I am bubbly, although I am shy when i first meet someone. I am glad that you have found a couple groups in your city that you are interested in. I would say, talk to the ppl at your church too. I have several good friends at my church. It may take a while to make friends, but if you are friendly and outgoing, ppl will be interested in getting to know more about you. I don't have many friends in my neighborhood. I think neighbors may tend to stay to themselves. Sure, we are friendly and talk as we pass, but i have found that i make most of my friends at church, and social events and clubs where ppl meet with common interests. I hope this helps.
Blessings,
Angela
Sometimes, church is a good place to meet people. Theoretically, they have to care. <lol>
Bob
i agree with minh, be more relaxed and natural about it and maybe church is a good start when your in a new place. i'm sure they have a callender online..i love making friends i seem to make friends where ever i go..i came back from austin on a plane and met a friend who added me on fb. be fun, and don't be all uptight about it because people sense that, when your laid back about it making friends happen naturally.
I think its the first step u take to start a conversation. Some people just dun like talking. Then try others there will be some who likes to make friends. I personally dun really likes talking but ones i get to know u i can really talk... hehehe
Hello, I have no problem making friends. Although it was a bit hard for me when I first came here to the United States, but I adjusted to the social cliques pretty well. I have a lot of friends from different races including my own race. I know its hard when you have a visual impairment, but if your confident to approach someone or if you’re the type of person who naturally smiles a lot, you won’t have any difficulty. If your shy and you think you want to start up a conversation, just act natural and start an interesting topic. Don’t talk boring like the weather or the news just be cool and casual. I have both sighted and blind friends. In opinion, they are all the same. I never had problems communicating with them. To me, having a disability is not a problem, if your confident about your self and you’re a nice person, you can easily make friends. Oh and another thing, if you like to crack some jokes and laugh a lot, you won’t have any problem of drawing people’s attention. Just be yourself. I hope this helps you. Good luck
I myself do have a hard time making friends. I think part of it is my own beliefs and opinions don't all follow the norm of society. For instance, going to church groups that are more intimate is really hard for me because I often feel judged for some of the things I believe. One such belief I have is that gays should be treated like everyone else, and if they wanna come to church or associate with me, I'm going to accept them and befriend them, even if I don't necessarily agree with everything they do. Jesus loved everyone and accepted everyone, so should I. I don't understand why more people can't be this way. I am an adult now and I thought that the fact I had a baby would help me "look" like an adult in the sighted world, but they all just think somebody lives with us and takes care of our son. Pretty discouraging, if you ask me.
To the first poster I really can understand where you are coming from. My coworkers are just as bad. They never invite me to do anything and go as far to say oh yeah we are all going out tonight bla bla bla. You know something though, I have started not to care. I got so sick when I first started my job of always trying to, anniciate excuse the spelling, conversations and more.
I've been in that situation, and I've heard of many other blind folks who've run into the same thing. I could very easily say that it's due to some problem people have with blindness or blind people, but again, unless somebody wants to spill the beans, we'll probably never know. Maybe they don't want to socialize with anyone or they don't have the time or whatnot. It bothers me, and it's why I'm more likely to make on-line friends than flesh-and-blood friends, because it is tiresome to expend so much energy and effort and get no return for it.
I too have been in a situation like Jess's. I was attending community college and these girls were gonna walk across the street for Starbucks, and when I asked to go, they said they changed their mind. It's all very stupid and petty what we as disabled people go through, but it still hurts. I guess that's partly why a lot of my friends are blind.
I am the minority, here then. I know more sighted people. I am usually pretty good friends with them. However, they are so busy, it's so hard to get them. My friends are just hard workers.
Like the last poster, I definitely have more sighted friends than blind ones. As has already been said, try to meet people when you're already out with another person/people. This takes all the pressure off of you to do all the talking. I would agree about the apartment comments. Perhaps your neighbor thought you were too forward or direct. Also, it's often not a good idea to bombard people with questions when you first meet them. If you ask too many questions all in a row, without waiting for a response, the person may feel a bit awkward, like they're in an interview. Also, try to not make an issue out of your blindness, if you seem uncomfortable, others will too. Just be yourself, and don't try to hard. I would not recommend going down to a college campus by yourself. This could just make you feel uncomfortable. The exception is if you're going for some event, or meeting another person on campus. I suppose I was lucky, in that I was the only blind person at my publich schools, but seriously, making friends shouldn't be as hard as you may think it is. As another poster pointed out, don't talk everytime you feel the urge. Be patient, and listen to what others have to say. And another thing, don't be overdramatic. Please feel free to send me a private message, and I'd be happy to discuss any friend issues. You should have all kinds of friends, not just blind ones. I mean, we live for the most part, in a sighted world. I've never felt like nobody understands me, just because I've been the only blind person in many social situations. The point of friendship is not to totally identify with another person, but to share your comanalities and differences. Of course, we would all like to feel connected to our friends, but please don't let your blindness hinder you. Sure,some people will like you, and others won't. That's just the way it is, blind or not. If someone ignores you, move on to the next person who you think sounds interesting. Also I can't stress how important appearance and social ettiquette are. Yeah, everyone has their lazy moments, but I hate to say it, but first impressions do last. When you meet new people, do you shake their hands? Look in their direction? How you carry yourself has a lot to do with how people react to you. I've been in lots of bars with my older sister or friends and if people ask you if you're blind, just answer their questions politely and with a little humor and move on with the conversation. Hope this helps.
I am in the same boat as most of you and the older I get, the harder it seems to meet people and make friends, probably because when people work and have a busy life, most of who you meet are the same people you work with. I of course have good friends that I made over the years, but most of them are blind and they are in the same situation as me. But those friends that have gotten involved with someone or habve married, slowly fade away, and we meet not as often as before, so it can be hard. And when you add to it that blind people in my country are limited in where they go because of obstacles and all that, it is way harder, I guess, but even if Ididn't have this problem, I think it would have been the same for me when it comes to getting to know sighted people. I have been involved with few organizations that support people with disabilities and have gotten to help out few other people in some way, but after that, that is it. We never meet again and never talk despite all my effords. And don't make me start talking about the whole dating tthing regarding totally blind people here, because it would take me pages to say it all. (Smile)
Wow, what's wrong with dating a totaly blind person? Or is that not what you meant? I dated a totally blind person once, and it was kindda hard like when it came to watching movies since he always wanted dvs, and I didn't have enough vision to describe to him what was going on, or just going out sometimes. He didn't have very good confidence, but he was good at following, but it was hard to go places because he got frustrated easily, but sometimes I do to. But it's really not all that bad, because they will love you for who you are on the inside and since they can't see, it's not the looks or anything, just you. But yeah, it's hard to make friends sometimes. Sometimes I feel like if I don't ask questions, I don't know what to say to someone, and there would be ocward silence and I don't want that either. But I think I'm getting better. Most of my life I had blind friends and was rejected from sighted people in school, so I guess that's why I have problems. But it's nice to find the really good and nice sighted people who are curious about the way blind people do things, or want to help or just plain nice people. So I know that finding friends will just come my way when I least expect it, kind of like dating maybe. lol. But anyway, I guess that's what I have to say on the topic.
Songbird, sounds like the totally blind person you dated needed some more independent living skills, and that he relied on you and your vision far too much. Not all totally blind people are that way, believe me.
And knowing Psychic Teacher the way I do, I don't think she was saying there's anything wrong with dating a totally blind person in general. I think she was referring to her own personal past experiences.
oh ok, that's ok. I'm sorry that I took it the wrong way.
Hi songbird83 when it comes to sighted people. please no one get mad at me for saying this they think that they must take care of us and do stuff for us. some sighted people think that us blind people can do nothing we dont hang out with people and talk on the phone and all that other stuff. sighted people look for what is normal to them until they meet a blind preson that shows them otherwise. Like my first year of high school there was a vision program in my school and i guess the program did not have a good standing with the sighted students we did not have different classes or teachers. It was just a cuple of students in the program did some crazy things that a normal teenager would not do. It is hard to make friends that are sighted i used to think that and sometimes i still do when i go to a new place You just have to find that person that is not closed minded and talk tot them a little dont try to give to much info at once.
Try not to be so pushy with those around you, Also, it's important to be confident in your abilities as a blind person, others will no doubt notice this, and therefore, they will, in turn, be more able/willing to approach you on a friendly basis.
Just my thoughts.
Drink lots of beer, beer makes friends.
wow to the last poster
Yeah don't be so pushy. Pushy = really freakin' weird.
yep, agree with what others have said; don't be too pushy, cos that can freak them out. Just go with the flow. Introduce yourself, but then if that doesn't work for future conversation, move on.
Also, try and get out as much as you can; join a club, study, work, anything.
I wanted to say something else, but forget now. will come back to it.
Best of luck!
There is nothing wrong with dating a totally blind person. Just stated my experiences.
I do have trouble making sighted friends, but I think that's due to the area I live in. There are a lot of rednecks and arrogant assholes, sorry to put it so bluntly but they are. In school I was always picked on by the majority of the kids because they felt they could take advantage of me. Now that I'm older, I guess I can just say they didn't know any better, but it still wasn't right, however it does make me hesitate to talk to most sighted people. I'm also very shy by nature so I usually wait for people to approach me. People always say you never get anywhere in life that way but I must say the friends I do have are amazing because they understand me. Once I know someone for awhile I become more talkative, but it takes awhile to get to that point. And anyone who thinks tha childhood experiences shouldn't shape adult actions needs to step back and look at the effects years of bullying can have on a person. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but they really shouldn't judge the isolation it can cause either.
I think it takes a truly open-minded person to not care about a person's disability, but then again it could be from my limited experience of living in the country around a bunch of clueless rednecks too. I did live in the city for awhile though, and I think most of the time people in larger areas are a bit more open-minded, perhaps because they've had a wider range of experiences and have seen more different types of people, whereas the people I spent my childhood growing up with probably never saw a blind person before, let alone their parents. So yeah, I can definitely relat to what the original poster was sayinge, and it does bother me sometimes that sighted people can use their preconceived notions to blind them (yes, pun intended) but I guess it's their loss. Good things come to those who wait, and even if it means you have 2 friends at least you have them. At least you're not totally alone. That's why I don't try to be outgoing, because I know it's not me, although I do have some anxiety in social situations as well, but I've rambled enough here, and that's beside the point of this topic.
The sad fact, for us introverted types, is that outgoing people, and those who smile easily, will always have an easier time attracting people, friends or potential partners.
I'm not that kind. I'm sure childhood isolation plays a part in how I relate to people today, but mainly, it's just my basic personality type to be quiet and observe, so I too have trouble making friends, particularly with sighted folks.
No one's mentioned eye contact and facial expression, but I really think that's a huge part of why a lot of sighted people don't connect with some of us who are totally blind. They just don't know what to do if these ways of communicating are absent.
I don't expect it's changed much, but when I was younger I was told I often look as if I'm deep in thought, or depressed, when that couldn't be further from the truth! I don't know what to do about this, and I've stopped worrying about it. *shrug* Yes, I'd love to have a couple of local friends... I'd like to have sighted friends who aren't in other states, but so far, that hasn't happened.
Sunshine and Rain, I am a bit discouraged to hear that even being a parent doesn't improve things, that sighted people still won't understand that we are capable! *sigh*
I'll go about my life, anyway.
I can totally relate to screaming turtle in post 32. I do htink childhood experiences efect very deeply one's confidences later in life or long term.
To Miss Prism, wow, you got that too? That you always looked deep in thought? I wonder why taht is. I wonder if it's just the fact that blind people don't look as attentive simply because their eyes don't or can't focus on someone for very long? That's the first time I ever heard someone else other than me have that experience.
Screaming Turtle, yes! My dad never could be convinced that I was *not* feeling down, and he would try to joke me out of it. "You look like you lost your best friend." he would say.
You hit the nail on the head with all you said in your post 32.
And, off the topic at hand, but I see you live in PA. I'm contemplating moving to Pittsburgh, and considered creating a thread here to see if any other Zoners would own up to living there, or maybe sharing some info about it. I'm glad to see at least one person in the state! *grin*
Well, I live about 4hrs from Pittsburgh, so I can't comment on the area in too much detail, but I've heard the people are friendlier out in that part of the state, in the State College/Pittsburgh/west part of PA in general. Don't know how true it is, as I don't know anyone from there, but I hope you have a good experience with it.
just had to say my face is very expressive. I may not outwardly say how I'm feeling, but it's always written on my face.
I am also an introvert type, and have always had trouble making friends, even though I was also the only blind person in a sighted public school.
I have also had the experience of people talking about where they are going to go right in front of me without inviting me, and acting like I didn't exist or was not there with them.
I have also had people say that I look depressed or that I look "like I have lost my best friend." as my Mom always put it. I have also had people wonder why I smile when no one is talking to me or when I am talking to someone about something that should not require smiling. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I have even had people that were considered family to me tell me that I was crazy when they were angry with me about something and they apparently thought I was smiling, even though I told them I didn't think I was and didn't intend to. I guess I am not as in control of my facial expressions as I once thought I was. I guess it is something I should work on.
Also, to the poster that talked about having a baby, I also have an almost 2-year-old daughter, and I still have a hard time making friends, and most sighted people just treat me like I need help or a hand-out, even if I tell them I don't need anything. People seem to assume that I always need help in one way or another but that I am not asking for it, and then I get the big lecture about how I should ask for help and how I am not doing it, and one person even told me "don't just close the door in the apartment and be miserable and not ask for help." This person barely even knew me, and they told me that! I felt like saying "Excuse me?" or something! It really frustrates me when all of this happens, because all I want is to be treated normal and not to be treated like some two-year-old that needs someone to supervise me. I have been on my own since I was 18, married, divorced, and taken care of my child from the time she was born pretty much on my own, and sighted people still can't get it through their head that I am a normal person that is just blind and noting else but that. Just because I am blind doesn't mean I am lacking in knowledge, maturity, or anything else!
Sorry for wranting, but I just get so frustrated sometimes I feel it is easier to just isolate myself rather than try, because a lot of times when I try I just get treated in this way.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, and thanks to the first poster for bringing this great topic up!
Misty
I can definitely sympathize with some of what you said. I'm not a parent, but I guess it would be really frustrating to have people butt into your business where your child is concerned and want nothing else to do with you. In a way that can be said about blindness in general, because some people only want to pity you and not give you the time of day if you prove yourself competent. It's too bad society is that way, but it's just a cultural phenomenon that's not going to just disappear overnight. That's why, out of all the insecurities I may have, I never focused on blindness specifically. Maybe some of the specifics of it, like not being able to drive (making me feel awkward and childish around sighted friends) or not having any pictures on my Facebook (leading to me not reuniting with some sighted friends because they're all about the visual, and probably wouldn't add me anyway.) The thing is, as a blind person with an introverted personality, you almost have to force yourself into situations you don't want to. For example, I hate asking for help whether it be for directions or in a store--not because I'm ashamed of my blindness, but because I would rather just keep to myself and do what I need to do. Besides, putting yourself out there like that makes you look different, and I like to blend in and not be noticed too much. It's a huge drawback of being blind, but as I get older I realize as much as I really don't want to accept it, I guess I have to.
I am also the same way. I don't focus on my blindness, but it does put me in awkward situations because I don't really like asking for help either, which I would probably feel even if I was sighted because I tend to be an introvert. I feel more comfortable keeping to my self and doing things. I really have to work up the courage sometimes to ask someone for directions, ask a friend for a ride, etc. because of that.
Yeah, that's a real bitch. When I was younger, mobility instructors always got so mad at me because I had such anxiety about asking for help that rather than go up to customer service and get noticed, I would often just turn and walk away. I know that wasn't really a good way to handle it, and I never admitted the real reason why I did it, but there's still a part of me that wants to keep doing that every time I'm in that type of situation even though I shouldn't.
I, on the other hand, have a hard time making friends with blind people. I was raised in a sighted world, although I was blind, was the only blink that went to my school, and had only sighted friends. To this day, I don't have many friends in real life that are blind.
guess this is an old fred, I've found voluntary related stuff to be a good way of meeting new people, if not necessarily making grate friends. its useful as you often have a starting point with fellow volunteers or whoever you come in to contact with. Glad I've got a job, made so many grate friends through work.
I have the same problem. Although, some people talk about me from behind my back to their new friends so that I can't get to know them at all or only a little bit.
Macy
i think going to the dogpark. is good. you possiblecan make friends. and that's all.
I'll put down my experiences here.
Fare warning, this will be a long'ish post.
I'll post the experiences which gave me the most trouble.
During elementary school, I had two very good friends. Through them, I met others, and we formed a relatively close group.
Once both of those friends moved, and I switched schools, my connections vanished.
At that point, I switched to simply greeting those around me, and letting conversations progress. If fellow students didn't respond, I'd continue giving them a hello, and leaving it at that.
That behavior led to making a very good friend, who stayed with me until I left Arizona.
I moved to a very small highschool in North Georgia, where I knew no one.
I would make it a point to ask for assistance during lunch, when finding the line, or selecting confusable items.
Often, I would be offered a seat at a table with the student who helped me. That gave me an in with a couple of students, and a long-standing relationship with one of them.
A couple of things I did notice. It was a constant battle with myself to just keep my mouth shut, and stay out of the way. This did nothing but to make me miserable, which finally taught me to suck it up and keep putting my personality out.
The friendships that developed took several weeks to start, and did take considerable effort on my part.
Also, I was much more likely to get greetings when I wore sunglasses. Eye contact is crucial, or so my sighted friends have informed me. Sunglasses alleviate the need for the sighted folks to meet your eyes, and puts everyone involvedat ease.
Dark sun glasses, as wacky as it sounds, helped more than you would believe.
I hope this helps someone in the same situation.
I pretty much agree with all of these posts, especially poster 3; just going to a social event, and acting natural has helped me make quite a few friends I never expected to make. In fact, when I was a lot younger, it even helped me develop much needed social skills. In order to maintain an equal number of blind and sighted friends, or a majority of sighted friends (whichever you prefer), one of the best things you can do, in my opinion, would be to interact like any non-disabled individual, rather than making yourself look like you are incapable of being sociable, particularly because of whatever disabilities you may have. Now I'm not trying to accuse you of being anty-social, I'm just giving you helpful advice I took from people a long time ago.
When I was a really young kid, I was extremely outgoing. Not exactly sure what changed it, but I'm much shier around strangers now. Once I've made a friend and feel comfortable, my friend will have a hard time remembering that I was once shy.
I've never let my blindness get in the way. I never had sight, so there was no adjustment period. However, now I'm also about 90 percent deaf, and this presents a whole lot of problems for me on a social level. I've sort of withdrawn from the public, so to speak. Even if I'm in an elevator or other very small room, I can only hear enough of the conversation to make me curious. having no visual and extremely limited audio queues, I find that there's not much of a way for me to interact with people or participate in a group. As my hearing has gotten worse, I find that I dread talking to people, not because I want to be unsociable, but because there's a pretty good chance that I won't hear them. this is why you won't find me in voice chatrooms and the likes. I can use skype to some degree, but the other person has to be right up to the microphone. I usually feel like I'm being a pain in the ass when I try to get someone to adjust their microphone or their audio settings. It's very frustrating, both for me and the other person or people I'm trying to comunicate with. while text isn't as fast or spontaneous as voice, I do feel that I'm on somewhat equal ground when I'm dealing with voice chat, so that's why I prefer it. I've been told that I'm fake because it's like pulling teeth to get me on the phone or skype. It's just so embarrassing when I answer and I can hear the person talking, but I can't understand anything they're saying, so yeah, my social life does suffer quite a lot. No one's fault. That's just how the cookie crumbles.
When you get a bit older you may find how it's just an aspect of yourself, irrespective of blindness.
I'm 40 now, and really don't have a connection to people from when I was younger, but looking back I've always been more interested in things than I was most people. I was generally easy to get along with but never really went deeper, which is what most people want in a friend. Now I've had a very few good close friendships over the years, and of course my wife and daughter that's a different situation, but it may just be yourself. Ultimately I figured that about myself, and I'm not really gonna go try and change it now.
As to the people with disabilities, or foreign students, or even gay and lesbian people, being more friendly yes, I can see that, though my sphere hasn't really entered into the people with disabilities realm that much with a few exceptions. But that makes sense, when you think about it: all the groups I mentioned do face one conflict or another, and so there's probably some level of understanding.
The closest I can illustrate is when I went to Japan, it was great to be able to party with American friends sometimes because we had more in common. The Japan incident is no doubt way more pronounced, as the commonalities are much more subtle and perhaps not describable in the situation you describe, but that says nothing of people at large.
You mentioned a church situation. Those can be touchy, especially if people want to tack on a plattitude regarding what you may see as just a hardware or physical issue and nothing else. And depending on how they are and how you are, you may just not gell. People in those places see the world in often a rather narrow context, and if you're not as locked in to how they do things, that can separate you more than being blind ever could.
In fact, people face this all the time: you get a country type in amongst a bunch of us city types, even if the rest of us go out of our way to make them feel welcome, they generally feel a bit off. And works the same the other way round.
Some people are just more expressive than others. My wife just finished her education for the second career, and one of her instructors, if you looked at him, just never looked happy, always upset. Without sight, you or I would not notice this, but everyone else does, and talks about it, are even nervous about it. He's sort of seen as his own thing: you don't see people milling around him.
More people are going to be attracted to some vivacious sparkling shiny thing than they are some broody thoughtful spaced-out-looking guy like me. And, I look like that because often I am like that.
You just have to find your niche. Me, they come around when they want something done, or want to just have a good time, go out, have some beers, things like that. Social interaction includes such a great many factors, your being blind or not blind, blond or not blond, short or tall or whatever, is not as high on the list as you may imagine. Especially as you start associating with adults. Childhood can be another issue, and I do feel for those who were more likely to cry than punch back: I'm sure that would have been a lot harder than things already were.
Anyway hope some of this helps.
I hear ya, Songbird. I myself am pretty introverted, due to growing up in a small town, I think. Never had too many friends growing up, blind or otherwise. I'm not a very talkative person, normally. I just like to kinda sit back and observe people. Once I get more comfortable with a given person, I talk a lot more, though. I think that and my being blind were contributing factors. I've got way more online friends than offline friends. Just be yurself and relax, and the rest should take care of itself. *smile*
yep. i understand. well. just go out there. and see what happens. etc.
yeah people get turned off by me sometimes.
It is hard for me to make friends..I totally understand where Songbird is coming from. Struggling with that at the moment.
Well I don't have a prob making friends with sighted people.
But if they don't like you the way you are fuck them.
But did you should get together with family and go out if you don't like going by your self, maybe they can help you.
You can allways go out bye your self, if you feel safe, I know when I am seen bye my self, I have a lotta people try to walk with me, and talk to me. So, it might be good to go out bye your self sometimes.
Not saying you don't though.
what a awesome topic you have brought up and I as like many on here are interverted myself and basically only have online friends though I recently have been volunteering at an s.p.c.a with cats which i'm enjoying, i'm very much a person whom can't see facial expressions and mostly go by the tone of the persons voice which can get me into trouble but it can also be frustrating for me and for others around me.
I'm very much quiet, observant but think about a lot of stuff and expressions appear on my face that i'm unawear of and so people can usually tell how i'm feeling in the way of how the expression is on my face.
Honestly I have quite a bit of trouble making friends. But I don't think it's to do with blindness, though there will always be those people who will see someone different from them and exclude them right away, but then those aren't exactly the friends I'd be looking for and you don't necessarily need a disability to be excluded from their circle. With me I think it's a combination of extreme shiness, insignificant looks (not sure how else to describe it), feeling out of place wherever I go and that absent "what the hell is going on in your head" expression that I have on my face. I guess all of this combined gives me the power of invisibility. Some people exchange a few words with me as they pass me by, but I'm forgotten as soon as they look away.
Online it's easier for some people but eh, I couldn't say that either. I manage to feel out of place even on websites. I have a couple real friends online, and some people I get along with enough and talk to when I'm around but the invisibility cloak I wear won't come off.
awe but I'm sure that when you are comfortable around others you shall remove your invisibility cloack and get more confidence in interacting with others.
I know some kids on here have made light of this topic, but you raise a relevant question, one that goes way beyond disability.
I have had my own troubles with making friends over th years, or what the Wife formally calls trouble with long term relationships. I tend to be a pretty easy guy to get along with, but keep people and relationships a ya distance, disappearing from people's lives, and because of that tendency have caused people pain, and left myself picking up pieces afterwards. Only now in my 40s do I realize this, and am actively working on some kind of resolution, though what that'll look like, I don't yet know.
Hope this makes to someone, though it probably sounds like meaningless drivel to others.
good point and no I'm sure what you have written will help as the more experiences people have had and share will help with those whom are struggling and they can get things out of what has been shared that will be of use to them and also will help them so thanks.
It makes sense to me. I myself have been trying, as of late, to become more social, but it's been an overwhelming experience. As I said in an earlier post, I tend to be pretty introverted. Since I live in a rural area, I've tried to make a couple of online friends. I can casually chat with someone for a few days or weeks, but then, I want to put up a wall between me and the person. Sometimes it's legitimately because that person and I aren't compatible. In one fairly recent situation, someone was crossing every boundary I set, and constantly talking about a fetish they had that frankly made me uncomfortable. Not because of the fetish itself, because I tend to be pretty open-minded about such matters, but rather the frequency of which the topic came up. As in, it came up in every conversation. There were other factors, too, which I won't bore anyone with the details of.
The fact is that I've always felt a bit uncomfortable with online interactions. If I find something in common with a person, it can be exciting, in a way, to take that plunge and begin talking to them. I enjoy voicing my opinions on listservs, and to a lesser extent these days, forums like this one. So, occasionally, I'll see a post that resonates with me, and I decide to reach out to that person. But then I just end up feeling awkward, and plaguing myself with questions. What if the person isn't who they say they are? What if they turn out to be creepy, or invasive? (I tend to need a lot of personal space.) I've disappeared from people's lives, too, and although it's not something I'm proud of, it's also not something that's been easy to change. It's just so much easier to do things like that in the digital age.
It doesn't help that I've had previous experiences with real life friends who have betrayed me or crossed lots of personal boundaries, including my best friend in high school who came onto me sexually, despite knowing that A. while I certainly have no problem with gay or bi people, I wasn't that way myself and B. even when I told her to stop, she didn't. Things like that can create a lot of trust issues, even in the supposedly "safe" zone of online interaction.
Don't get me wrong. I know that lots of the horror stories you hear about pedophiles, stalkers and so on that you hear about on Dateline are very much overblown. It's not really a physical threat I fear, as I don't even let online acquaintences have my phone number, much less my address. I've also discovered that I can't be found on a site like whitepages.com. But I've noticed that the older I get, the worse this problem becomes. Each time I try to reach out, it gets harder. When you're a teenager, there's an almost biological need to be part of a group, and isolation at that stage in life can be devastating and have far-reaching consequences. Now that I'm in my 20's, I find myself being criticized by people because I don't have much of a social life, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm content with the way things are.
I understand where your coming from and there are experiences we've had that are good and that are bad but I must amend you for at least trying to socialise so good on you, smiles.
I'm kind of the same as gt. I wouldn't say I'm the same as I was when I was in elementary and middle school but I am still more so introverted. When I was in elementary and middle school I was what I would consider shy. I didn't put myself out there to socialize with people. I didn't really put in any effort to continue a conversation with people who came up and talked to me, but I did respond to them in short brief statements. Most of the time I also had an aid with me who walked everywhere with me and stayed in the class with me. When she was not with me, mostly during lunch, I got bullied. I got called things like a bitch, a blind faggot who won't get anywhere in life, etc. The worst part of it was it happened so much that I started to believe what they were saying was true. I was too much of a coward to fight back. On top of that I didn't have a stable family situation back at home. So for most of my childhood I was an outcast who carried all the weight on my shoulders, and just went with the flow as I didn't see any other way of things being done. Once I was well in to high school, and once I could not live in the same house I started to question things and come out of my shell. I still don't socialize with people as they come across me unless I need help with something. But if someone wants to talk I continue the conversation until one of us has to go do something. I have a close friend who I made during my Freshmann year of high school who I've talked to off and on. Like some of you I have cast people to the side but it wasn't something I was aware of until a couple years ago when he asked why I don't call or text very much. I had another close friend in elementary and middle school who I ironically found on Facebook yesterday, and I was surprised that he remembered who I am. I mean we haven't talked in probably 10 years. It's crazy. It wasn't for any intentional reasons either. We just lost contact and I didn't really see much of him in high school. It's amazing what you can come across years down the road. But anyway I would just say not to worry about making a whole lot of friends. I read something a few years ago (not sure where) that said on average, most people only have three close friends during their life time. That being the case I've all ready got three. I only see popularity as a hypothetical badge that some wear, but it isn't as though the popular ones have dozens of close friends. In fact the more popular people, at least in my experience, seem to get caught up in more drama and nonsense. We all do, but hell if you have a few close friends that you know will stick with you through the end, that's what matters right? Just be yourself, extroverted or introverted. And if you don't find friends they will eventually find you.
awe most of us have either been bullied or picked on in our lives but some have had it more than others which isn't nice but though it hurts us it actually makes us stronger and I understand when things are mentioned over and over again we then tend to believe it but in no way are we are what people have said and I myself are introvert so I know where you are coming from but the thing is at least we try our best to socialise but we just find it that bit harder though I must say I've improved over the years, smiles.
I used to be more outgoing and friendly than I am now. After having a few experiences with making friends with people who demanded that I give them my undivided attention every time they said, "Jump," I'm much more leary.
I'm outgoing, and I get along with almost everyone. however, I rarely attach the "friend" label to people. online, if people don't have my phone number, or email address, they're simply folks I have some things in common with, but I don't consider them friends, no matter how much I like the qualities I see in them.
Having an aid in school can really screw with your social life. I think that kids see you as more of a threat if you constantly have an adult at your side.
yeah I agree as in my case I had students asking if it was my mum though it wasn't and really didn't communicate much with me but with the lady who was with me which began to get on my nerves as she would be with me all the time as my mobility wasn't so good and they thought it would be safer to have some one accompany me from class to class but she was with me at break times too which was annoying.
Sorry I am a little late to respond to this topic but, coming from a point of view of a person who had fill sight until I was 32, people with with sight are rather intimidated by people with disabilities because they don't know how to approach them or what to expect from them. I never had a problem approaching people with blindness or other but that is just me. Now coming from the other side of the spectrum, it really validates the point because sighted people are afraid to talk or approach me. It is the fact that people without disabilities tend to shy away from those who are different even though we are just as normal as they are besides the fact that we have impairments. I have had a lot of friends stop talking to me because ever since i lost my vision, they basically had no more use for me and spit out the same old "Oh man I'm so sorry, I am here for you if you need anything" which was pure asinine, obligatory and nice thing to say.
However on the other hand, if they don't give you the time of day, screw 'em. They just passed on the chance to get to know a great person and you can tell that they will judge anything by it's appearance instead of what is on the inside. THey have no time for me, I have no time for them and move on to better things worth my time.
a very good explanation you have given and not always the disability will make people not want to be around it can be the attitude of the person and what kind of personality they have too.
This is a very good topic. I too am an introvert, and find making friends difficult. I was
very outgoing as a kid, but my high school experience with bullies, and or just plain cruel
sighted teens, I feel changed me, and made me somewhat shy and distrustful of people,
speciffically 'normals', and being totally mainstreamed I never had the opertunity to make
many blind friends either. I literally have 2 close friends, used to have 3, but one died
last year from MD.
I agree with those that have said things about eye contact too. Many times even at family
get togethers, I try and contribute to a conversation, and people just don't hear me,
because I haven't caught their eyes, so my comments often go unheard, and it's like I didn't
speak. This of course adds to my awkward feelings.
Of course this effected my love life too. I had 1 sighted girlfriend for 5 years, from late high school to my early 20s, and she'd complain that we could never get married, because I was blind and her family wouldn't approve. So I finally had enough of that, and her bad temper and broke-up with her. Shortly afterwords I did meet a nice blind girl at a summer camp for blind people, here in Ontario. We had a good marriage for ten years, but slowly her overbearring mother started verbally abusing us more and more often, and My X was too scared of her to fight back, or move away, so I had to end it for my own nerves, and peace of mind.
Now in my late 30s, I don't know how blind singles find people
to date? It's been my experience since my divorce that 'normal women' have no time for a
visually impaired guy, who is on long term disability. Plus I've found disabled dating sites
to be somewhat dishonest, and full of scammers. I don't know if I can name them here, but
I'd share the ones privately, that IMO people should avoid, also I'd be interested in any
sites that people have found to be legit.
I was gonna post this topic but it turns out it's already here.
I'm 28 years old, and people have been trying to explain to me for many years that the other reason for going to college is to make friends.
What? If I'm yacking the whole time how will I get A's? I'm a bit slow sometimes, but lately I began to notice that before and after class the other students are constantly talking to one another. Then I started to ask how. How would I participate in whatever this is when all I hear is a cacophony of unfamiliar voices?
I have a couple of friends who are much older than me, and this past semester they kept telling me I needed to make friends my own age. So I tried going to an event with free food and a raffle for a free iPad. It was for computer science students only, so I figured I'd have some interest in common with somebody there. If I did I will never know, because I was completely ignored. No one even wanted to read me the number on my ticket. Literally not one single student said a word to me even when I asked a question, nor did anyone offer me a seat when I made it very clear that I was searching for one.
Then there was the Spanish class which was taught in conversational style. Two things became clear to me in that class. First, the topics were designed for the average student. They wanted to talk about immigration, politics, culture, the arts, sports etc. while I'd rather learn how to describe the interesting shapes in the architecture building that had been made on a 3D printer. When my group decided to do a project on basketball I knew I was in trouble. I figured counting the number of dribbles and squeaks I heard wasn't going to get me very far.
Second, many of them seemed to be getting to know each other and finding that they had things in common. They spent more time socializing than they did speaking Spanish!
So now I'm in the same place I was before. I go to school to make the grades. The random groups of voices I hear carry about as much meaning for me as the squeaking and dribbling sounds I associate with basketball. Those who are supposed to be my peers seem somewhat alien to me. How can I relate to people who derive meaning from so many things I don't perceive and that I find meaningless? If I happen to meet anyone interesting like the graduate student in my math class that's great. Otherwise I'll stick to the places outside of school where I already know a few people.
why do I still like older guys ? I like it to uts done then I feel dirty how come I feel that way?
I can understand where the last poster are coming from and talking about as I attend a aqua aerobics class with others whom are sighted and they'll say hello and how are you but that is about it and then talk amongst themselves and if I say some thing it is ignored so I just do the class and then go but if some one stops to talk to me then cool but if not then I think oh well not to worry, it can be difficult and still I have no friends but those online so I know where you guys are coming from.
So I always had the thought that if I had qualified for a guide dog, I would have bunches of friends because the dog would bring attention. Sadly enough, and I am in my 60s this generation is talking about the difficulty in making friends like my generation talked about. Good topic.
awe and yes it is a good one, smiles.
LovesAnimals, that's exactly what I'm talking about. No eye contact, no attention. At least that's my working theory.
Bea, I bet your dog made plenty of friends. You were just an inconvenient attachment.
I never qualified for a dog but thought it would help me to make friends easier. Yet we all read about the super blind folks who say they have no problems making friends or getting involved socially with this or that group.
yeah that is so true
Here are a couple of things, both my experiences and some responses to previous posts. First of all, another one here who has gotten the "depressed look" comments. haha I've found that I've gotten better at this, though, and I can now be a little more responsive when it comes to body language during a conversation. To the original poster, try to be responsive while still feeling comfortable and like you're not pushing anything. I had to take a speech class one semester and I was baffled by all these things the professor was saying about moving in a triangle to signify three points being brought up in a speech and different ways to engage your audience. We had already done a couple of speeches, and after that class I went up to her and asked if there was anything I could do to seem more engaging. She told me what I was doing was perfect as it was, because she could tell that I was comfortable and that she could see what I was doing felt natural to me. So don't push anything. I'm also really shy and introverted due to having a really sheltered childhood. I had a therapist once who explained this to me perfectly, saying that I basically never got to develop the social skills that everyone learns in elementary school. I know that I shouldn't necessarily blame anyone for this, but it helps to keep this in mind when I'm struggling so that I have at least some idea of what's going wrong. I went to a mainstream high school that had a VI program with a lot of the students having mental or developmental disabilities on top of blindness, and I always felt like the majority of mainstream students automatically assumed that every blind student was like that and treated them in that way. When I started college things got a lot better since I was the only blind one at my university and it was like starting with a clean slate. Still, I've had trouble with making friends since I don't have many of the interests that the others my age do like partying. One of my best friends since starting college is a vet who returned to school after being discharged so is about ten years older than everyone else. He told me once that his closest friends from school are disabled because we seem more mature and have more things we can relate to as far as having to struggle with things he is just starting to deal with having been recently injured. Finally, one suggestion I can offer is following up with potential friends, be it by texts or facebook or whatever. I've found that this really helps by letting you communicate without being face to face and therefore making you're disability something they're literally staring at. Sure, it's cheating by hiding behind a screen and keyboard, but it works. Again though, it shouldn't feel forced. But I've found that by doing this, they might feel more comfortable the next time you speak in person since you've already shared conversations and that might make all the difference.
Well said dead knight warrior.
Bob